Ask Me
by svuluver01
Summary: When Elliot writes a note to Olivia, everything changes.
1. Chapter 1

Olivia,

I once told Kathy that I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. It was completely true when I said it. But, that was ten years ago when I had just met you. You and I had only known each other for a year back then, back than I wasn't lying. Now, if Kathy would ask me if I still meant it, I would have to lie. I would have to tell my wife that I love her more than anyone. I would have to lie to her, look her in the eyes, smile, and lie. These days, I know I love someone more than my wife. It scares me, too. How can I love another woman? A woman who is not my wife? Sometimes, I get so scared I think about quitting the unit. I'm scared one day Kathy will ask me and I won't be able to lie. But, than again sometimes I think of what it would be like for you to ask me that, because I know if you did, I wouldn't have to lie.

I didn't fall in love with you immediately. The first few years were probably the simplest. At that time, I was still in love with my wife and my kids still thought of me as daddy. But, as time went on, as I grew to know you, my perception and priorities became blurry. I know I don't need to tell you how much I love my kids, Liv. But, I want to anyways. I love them more every time I see them. These days I don't see them a lot and when I do I'm so grateful for what Kathy and I's twenty year marriage had blessed us with. Dickie is so much like me, it almost scares me. He cares for people unconditionally and intensely. Kathleen and Maureen are the most elegant and beautiful of women. They have both came into their own over these past years, it's almost like I blinked and they were gone. Lizzie has such a good head on her shoulders and is so smart; I think she may be smarter than me sometimes. I certainly know it's possible. Little Eli is going to be the most hard headed out of the bunch, I can already tell. He's going to be so strong. I wouldn't even have him in my life if it wasn't for you. I don't think I can ever thank you enough for saving Eli and Kathy. The moment I walked out of that hospital room and saw you… words will never express how blessed I felt to have you in that moment.

If you would of asked me ten years ago, who my soul mate was, I would have told you Kathy. I believed it with all of my heart back then. I've never loved someone so long. But, as the years went on and Kathy and I's relationship started to crumble, I felt like I was always staring at the ceiling, thinking about what went wrong. Predictable things, I guess, is what started to take a toll at first. Long hours, my anger, and her loneliness were only the first wave of things. Those things were simple, looking back. Looking back, I would have much rather tackled those problems that to face the ones that were ahead. One of the worst problems I've ever had to deal with, Liv, is my feeling of inadequacy as a father. I missed so much in my kids lives, Liv. So much. I've missed trivial things like soccer games and school dance. But, I've also missed the big things, like when Lizzie's boyfriend broke up with her and made her walk home, in the rain. I would of given anything to be there for my daughter that night. But, I was working on a case and when it happened I had no idea. She was so upset the next morning and I didn't know why. I chalked it up to teenage angst and walked out of the front door. I walked out on my daughter who, I found out later, set her alarm for when I woke up and came downstairs to ask me what I thought she should do. That morning I was running late and didn't even tell her I loved her. She needed me that morning. She needed me so god damn much. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that morning. I didn't know my daughter well enough to know something was wrong. What kind of father am I that I can't even tell when my daughter needs me?

But, in the end I don't think any of those obstacles were big enough to ruin our marriage. One time you asked me why my marriage ended and I told you I didn't know why. I lied to you and I'm sorry. This next part is possibly the most important thing I will ever have to do, so I want to do it right. Olivia, you are not to blame for ending my marriage. You did NOT take me away from Kathy or my children. You did NOTHING wrong. It was me, Liv. I fell in love with my partner and was blind to everything and everyone else. I don't want you to feel guilty for ending my marriage, Liv, because you didn't. I knew by writing you this letter there would be a chance that you would blame yourself, but you can't. It wasn't you. It was all me.

The littlest thing has always meant the most to me with you, Liv. We've never shared a breath taking end-all-be-all moment. But, sitting here typing this to you, thinking about everything we've been through, I can hardly breathe. There are so many words, actions, and ill feelings I would take back, if I could. If I could, a lot would be different, Olivia Benson. A lot.

First of all, I would reassure you in some way, everyday, that you are more than adequate. I know you and I know that plagues you. But, it shouldn't. You are a wonderful partner, amazing human being, and an awesome friend. You are beyond amazing with the victims and you make the children we deal with so comfortable. I don't know how you do it sometimes. There are days, Liv. Days where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, cry for everyone and everything. You are the strongest person I've met, but sometimes it's okay to cry and feel. Sometimes, it's okay to go home and just cry. It doesn't make you any less strong. It doesn't make you weak or any of those things you are thinking.

Do you remember the first few years? Back than we actually laughed and joked around. I think that's when I first feel in love with you. You smile with your eyes when you laugh, Liv. Did you know that? Eight years ago, we sat at our diner one night after a hard case. It had been raining for days straight and there had been water tracked in from peoples shoes. The waitress had smiled and winked at me when she was walking by and slipped on the wet floor, her whole platter came crashing down on her. She had noodles and pizza all over her. I'll never forget what you looked like that night when you laughed. You laughed so hard you had to hold your stomach. Your eyes were glassy and shimmered. They were filled with so much light. It was something so little, but for me that's when I feel in love with you.

The next few years I had just put it on the back burner. Thinking if I ignored it I would just go away. But, really it just made things so much harder for everyone. I became so angry at you. Before I explain myself, if that's what I'm doing, I want to tell you I'm sorry. I'm sorry for saying the things I did and I'm sorry for hurting you because in those years, I barely saw that light in your eyes. I was so angry for letting myself fall in love with you, so angry at myself for betraying Kathy and my kids. I could feel myself looking control. I just, damn it Liv, I couldn't fucking stop it. I don't want to dwell on this time in my life though. I just want to apologize and move on.

Through the years, you have been my constant. You've been there for me when no one was. I've hurt you and sometimes I was shitty excuse for a partner, but I've never stopped loving you, never. I'm putting this in your mailbox at your apartment and you'll read it when I'm not around. I don't know how you'll react or if I just ruined the best thing in my life. But, I needed to tell you. I need to be able to care for you again, to treat you with respect. The only way I was going to succeed in that was to tell you what made me so damn crazy. Harboring that emotion for years has made me crazy, Liv. But, I wouldn't take back any moment I have ever shared with you. I don't know where this letter is going to get us, I don't know what I can give you, I don't know what is going to happen in a month, and I don't know how we are going to handle it tomorrow. But, I needed you to know.

I love you, Olivia Benson

El


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia just stood there, shocked. Actually, shocked would be an understatement. The first few thoughts that went through her mind were that this letter was some kind of joke, a sick prank. There was no way in hell that Elliot loved her. But, the most prevalent thing was her lacking ability to take in air. She couldn't breathe, she was afraid she was having a full on panic attack. '_Breathe, Olivia. In and out, in and out._' She didn't know why tears began running down her now flushed cheek or why she was shaking uncontrollably, but she did know that tomorrow would come too fast.

She had a need to see Elliot. She needed to talk to him, to look into his eyes. But, she knew today would be too soon to see to him face to face. _'Maybe I'll just text him'_ she thought. So, she picked up her phone but there was one little problem; she had no idea what to say. So, instead of being her predictable self which would cause her to think about exactly what she was going to say and all of the various reactions to the words, she just winged it.

After finishing typing, she pushed the send button without reading it over or rethinking her idea. Resting her head on the back of her couch, her dark apartment never felt so empty. Now, she just waited for his response.

He had tried to keep busy all day, doing chores around the apartment, catching up on paperwork, and currently doing a lot of pacing. Therefore, it startled him to feel his phone vibrate in his pants pocket. Pulling it out, he saw the text was from Olivia. Suddenly, the nerves he was fighting to keep at bay all day rushed his body and mind all at one time. Flipping open the phone, he pushed view.

_"El…The letter… We need to talk before work comes around tomorrow." _He felt like he was going to throw up because from her text, he couldn't get a read. The text neither sounded good or bad, it didn't sound negative but didn't give him any positive reinforcements. He knew he was taking the biggest risk of his life by giving her the letter, but he had been so cruel to her over the past few years. It hurt him to think about all the nasty things he's said to her. She had gone out of her way to fight for him. She fought for his freedom, for his kids, and she even fought for his marriage. He had to give her the letter, so he could start treating her better because the only thing his love for Liv was doing was driving him nuts. Only when yet another text came in did he realize he was still standing in the middle of his living room, phone in hand. Opening the next message, he was still just as nervous. _"You knew this would come, El. We need to talk." _Okay, so this one sounded a little more negative than positive. But, hey, he could be looking too far into words on a screen. Looking down he typed, _"I know we need to talk, Liv. Where?" _Before he could even clear his mind, yet another text came in.

"_My place, is 8 okay?" _Looking at the clock perched just above his tv, he started to panic, 7:12. He would have no time to think about what he would say, no time to figure a way to explain himself. He only had time to catch his breath and head into the wintery air. Grabbing his jacket and keys, he quickly texted back _"I'm on my way." _Shoving the phone back into his pants pocket, he quickly jogged and caught a cab. After relaying Olivia's address, he sat back in the seat and thought about all the ways this could turn out to be the worst or best night of his life.

Quickly reading the message, Olivia closed her phone and turned on the TV, not wanting Elliot to think she had just been sitting there in the dark. But, that was exactly what she had done; she sat there staring at the piece of paper that threatened to make her world crumble around her.


	3. Chapter 3

**So, I really wanted to play around with the idea of Elliot and Olivia communicating in other ways than the obvious (for example: all the texting they do) in this story. I know it can get a little annoying but come on people, who doesn't text these days? And on another note, if they were ever to get together on the show I really don't think it would be as easy or as quick as we would want it to be. **

**I'm also sorry this is so back on forth point of view wise. But, enjoy!**

Standing in her living room, Olivia had never been more nervous than she was right now. She knew she had made the right choice by initiating the conversation today instead of tomorrow at work. If she had waited for tomorrow she knew she may just have gone crazy. As she sat down to stare down mindlessly at the television, the buzzer went off. After a quick startled pause, she got up on buzzed him in, not needing to know ask who it was. She only had mere minutes to prepare herself. Pacing vigorously in the middle of her living room, she drifted off into her own little world yet again. Also, same as last time she was startled out of her world by the knocking on her door. She just panicked, it was utter panic. She just stood there, dead in her tracks, staring at the door. She was scared, she didn't want to be scared, but she was. She was petrified. Olivia loved to be in control in her own life, so much of her life was decided for her when she was younger, and she never wanted to live that life as an adult. But, this… this… this made her want to lock herself in her bedroom and never come out. Olivia Benson was not weak, she did not get scared, and she definitely did not cower in fear. But then again, she thought, Elliot Stabler always made her feel new emotions.

"Olivia, open the door. Your neighbors are going to think I'm a crazy person." His smooth voice meant to ease, only shook her more. She couldn't, she just couldn't. She felt bad for leaving him out in the hallways, but she just could not, would not open the door. Just hearing his voice made her quiver, she knew she wouldn't be able to talk to him face to face about all the things they so desperately needed to talk about. "Olivia, I know… t-this is hard but you have to l-let me in. I'm just as scared as you, I promise."

He was being so nice and she felt so mean. But, honestly she was breaking down right there, without him. If he was in here, she was positive she would just sit there petrified to do anything. "Fine, have it your way. Liv, I'm using my key." If she thought she was already in a state of panic, she had fooled herself. Hearing him fumble with his keys, she couldn't do this. She couldn't do this. No. There was no way she could do this. Suddenly regretting sending him the first text, she didn't know what to do. So, she did the only thing her brain could think of through the fog that was now occupying her head. She made a mad dash for her bathroom, slammed the door, than locked it.

He knew this was going to be hard, but shit. This, this was... tough to say the least. He was incredibly lucky to not have his voice crack when he was talking to her. But, he had to talk to her. He needed to explain, to tell her everything he forgot in his letter. After struggling to find her key, he put it in the lock, and than just… froze. Head leaning on the door, he just froze. If she was standing on the other side of the door, he would have no time to prepare himself. He would make eye contact as soon as he entered. 'I've already come this far…I g-guess I just need to do this.' So, with that thought he turned the key and walked into the seemingly empty apartment.

So, he was confused at this point, extremely confused. He almost wanted to pull out his phone to make sure he was actually texting Olivia. "Olivia? Are you here?" Really, he was confused. Liv was known to run, but forty minutes after he talked to her? Turning on his heel after waiting a minute for a reply, he headed to the door, and he was surprisingly let down. He was nervous and scared but he wanted to talk to her. Then, he heard a noise come from down the hallway. Was she… Was she hiding from him? "Liv, are you in the bathroom? Are you really hiding from me?" he said into the dark. Curious on if she was or was not, he headed for the bathroom. "I'm not n-necessarily hiding. I just had to go to the, uh, bathroom." Her voice cracked almost the whole time. It wasn't the confident voice he was use to. It was her scared voice, he knew it well. With this job, you tend to be scared more than many other emotions. "Well, will you come out?" He wanted to beg her to come out, plead, bribe, anything.

"I, um, El?" 'Please just come out' he thought. "Yeah, Liv?"

"I don't think I can." She… She… can't? Was something wrong? "Why not, Liv?"

"I don't think I can, um, see you right now." Not see him? Was she serious? "Oh, well… I can leave." But, the truth was I didn't want to leave. I wanted to be here. I'm finally here. I've been in her apartment before but I wanted to be at this point. Right here, with her. "No. Just can we talk like this? I know it's-"

"Of course, Liv" I said. There was the briefest of pauses and then she almost whispered, "So you love me?" Wow, I almost forgot who I was dealing with here. It was Olivia and I should have known by now her words could leave me struggling to breathe.

I know I shouldn't have been so blunt and I should have been more considerate of his feelings, I know that. Regretting my bluntness almost instantly, I sat on the floor, back leaning against door, and just sighed. That's all I could do, sigh. I didn't know what to expect out of this and I couldn't stand not having control. So, maybe it was my intention to be the one in control of this conversation. I heard him stir outside for a second and then the door move a little. I figured he was in the same exact position I was in, back to the door. "Yeah" he spoke. I barley heard him and almost asked him to repeat it, for I did not believe it. "…And just so we are clear, Liv. I don't love you the way I love my brothers or the way I love my coworkers, I love you the way I use to love Kathy. I love you that way but differently. The…uh…feeling is more heightened, like I'm extra sensitive to just you. For some reason after twenty odd years of marriage, she's never had the ability to take my breath away. She's never walked in a room and made my head spin. No, Liv, no one has ever done that to me." When the hell did he become so poetic, so sweet? When the hell did he become so confident? Because to be honest he just told me that he was just as scared as me and that sure as hell didn't sound scared. It sounded like he knew what he wanted and was on the hunt to get it. I just can't fathom that thing, that person, he so starves for is me. "I know you're in there thinking about what I just said. I'm sorry to lay this all on you, Liv. Really, I am. But, I want to treat you better than I have been. For awhile, I'll admit it I blamed you for screwing up my marriage-" Wow, way to make me feel bad, El. "-so I took it out on you. I pushed you away and kept the distance, actually increasing it dramatically. But, now I've come to the realization that it was never you that ended my marriage. Maybe my feelings for you swayed that decision, but it was never actually you. I want to respect you. I want to regain your trust back at the very least. If me writing that letter does nothing else, I want it to make us like we were because to be honest, and I know I've told you this before, you and this job is about the only things I have left anymore. But, only in the past years I've realized this job, Liv, it's nothing without you. I can't do this without you. I use to believe I couldn't do the job without you. I know that know. But, I've become so damn d-dependent on you in all aspects of my life. When I tell you I can't do this without you…Liv, I mean I can't function without you." God, I totally one hundred percent understand what he means when he told me no one has ever had the ability to take my breath away because right now, in this moment, I'm gasping for oxygen too.

Well, I think I might have just been the most vulnerable I have ever been… in my whole life. I honestly can't believe I just said all that. But, I'm beginning to believe the door separating us wasn't a bad idea after all because I wouldn't want her to see me right now. On the outside, I probably look confident. Even when I'm talking, I probably come off as determined. That's only because I've learned how to control how my emotions are conveyed to the world. I want her to talk, to tell me it'll be okay because even when I'm embarking into the unknown I still need her to help me do it. "Liv… this should really be a two way conversation." I whisper. I'm not sure why I said it so quietly but I know she heard me because I can feel the door give a little. Then I hear the lock unlock. I get up, step back and realize I'm not prepared to face her at all. What if she's mad? What if she thinks' I've ruined everything? That could be a possibility because right now I think I could have ruined everything. Slowly she opens the door and I hold my breath, waiting. When she comes out she breaks my heart, literally I can feel an ache in my chest that's almost unbearable because standing in front of me was my usually well put together tough-as-nails partner with tears running down her perfect cheeks.

God damn it, I didn't want to cry. But, his words, they got to me and I realized I can't hide behind a door anymore. The door was a crutch that I didn't want to need anymore. I'm not unaware that I'm staring at the floor. I just merely can't look up. I think I would break because knowing him; he's going to have those bright blue puppy dogs' eyes waiting for me. It's not like I am weeping, I am just letting a few tears fall but damn it I can taste my tears and I hate myself for crying. I, Olivia Benson, do not cry. I am suddenly aware of how warm his hand feels when he lifts my chin up so I am staring him right in the eyes. As I presumed, his eyes are waiting for me. I know he is searching my own his answers I'm sure he desperately wants but that I cannot give him. "Olivia, I never meant to hurt you.-"…I close my eyes as he rubs his thumb over my cheek to wipe away the tear that just fell."-I'm so sorry. I never meant for… But I just needed… I'm just so damn sorry, Liv." I can hear his voice crack even though I know he tries so hard for it not to. I take my shaking hand and pull his from my face; I don't want to feel his touch right now. Not when I know what I'm about to do. Crossing my arms and looking at the floor once again I barely whisper, "It's been a long day, Elliot. I'm going to bed, but feel free to take the couch." And with that, I move past him successfully making to my bedroom door. After closing it and snuggling into my blankets, I let my first but surely not last sob out. I am no longer letting a few tears fall. I am lying in my bed sobbing over my partner while he stands; I'm sure, bewildered in my hallway. I honestly hope he takes the couch, I know it's early but I also know he must be exhausted. I feel bad enough for letting him share his inner most thoughts with me, I didn't want him to go back home to an empty apartment too. It was a split moment decision. I knew I wasn't ready to talk to him, to tell him my thoughts, whatever they may be. I had to get out of there, remove myself from that situation. He may have been ready, but I'm not. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to lead him on. I don't want to live without him, either. I want him. Tonight, I guess I'll just figure out how to compress all that into one thought because I know he deserves my explanation. Still feeling really bad for my actions, I hear him move around my apartment and eventually I hear my couch accommodate his weight. Taking my phone from my pocket, I sent out two texts that hopefully will make him feel a little better. Hopefully it will make both of us feel better.

'El, I'm sorry for leaving you standing there. It wasn't right, but I'm not as ready right now as you are. Soon though… soon we will really talk.' Reading this, he felt a little better. At least she didn't hate him. She may have been upset, but there was still a chance. Feeling his phone vibrate yet again, he read the second message. "But, for what its worth and I'm not sure if it is worth anything, what you said to me, it was… nice. Following the general outline of how you explain something tonight, not cotton candy nice or a new puppy nice. The kind of nice that has me lying here in bed, probably just like you, trying to catch my breath. It seems lately when you're around, I just can't breathe."


	4. Chapter 4

I'm use to this, really I am. Lying here hour after hour, wanting so badly to sleep but never actually dozing off. But, unlike tonight I usually think about past cases or 'what if's.' No, tonight I am thinking about the person who is surely sleeping 50 feet away from me. I'm thinking about my partner, who tonight, told me he loved me.

She has no pictures out. Her walls are painted white and she has no decorations, her apartment is entirely impersonal. He knows this because he is lying on her couch and has been for hours. He knows she's probably asleep, that he can just get up and leave. After all, it's pretty pointless to be just lying here. But, for some reason he can't leave here. Even though she has been distant all evening, he strives for that feeling of closeness with her. Lying here, on her couch, for some reason gives him that feeling. Then, he hears her bedroom door open and her footsteps come down the hallways. He hears what he believes is the fridge door open and leaning up on his elbows. Peeking up over the couch he sees her dig through it and takes out a jug of milk. He sits up now and watches her. He watches her pour herself a glass of milk and put it in the microwave. "Warm milk? Really Liv?" he says quietly. Without even turning around she says, "Always helps to put me to sleep." He didn't know what to say after that, so he just settled back down into the couch. Hearing the microwave go off, footsteps, her door close, and her bed creak he figured this was how it was going to be from now on. No communicating, just talking. He's already been through this phase with her, the phase where they didn't talk.

Grabbing his phone from the end table, he quickly texted, "I know you want to wait to talk about this. But, you're killing me, Liv… I don't think I'll sleep till we do." Yeah, it was a risk. A risk she could just ignore, pretend not to get. But, he just wanted to talk to her.

Hearing her phone vibrate on the nightstand, she pulled it to her. She knew it was, it was undoubtedly Elliot. Reading the text, she felt bad, she felt bad for the whole night. She couldn't even make eye contact with him when she went in there. Turning on the TV in her room, she decided to take a risk. She called his number and waited for him to answer. The TV would make the fact he would be taking to her while she was mere feet away less stupid. She couldn't see him, talk to him face to face, not yet. "You do realize this is stupid, right Liv?" he answered when the rings ceased. Why couldn't she just talk to him? She was being irrational and immature. "I know. But, I just can't yet. I don't know what to say to y-you yet." She stuttered.

"This isn't going to be me talking and you listening again will it?" She knew he knew it would be. Why even ask than? "Maybe."

"Okay. As long as you listen, really listen to my words, okay. I'll take what I can get." He whispered. She flipped over in bed and rested the phone between her face and the pillow. Looking out her window, to the lights, she snuggled down in her blanket even more. "I don't want this to ruin us, Liv. I wou-couldn't take it." In reality, she couldn't either. In her opinion, life without Elliot Stabler is no life at all.

"I just don't understand what to do about it, Elliot. You've changed e-everything we know." She said, in a bit of a rush. She needed to talk, wanted to, and she was going to force herself to, god damn it.

"I know, Liv. But, don't you miss the good days? The days where we laughed and joked around? The days where I talked to you about my life, I mean sometimes I would go to you for advice… I miss that. I miss that woman I knew. I miss the man I use to be. I miss being the man you trusted with everything. Damn it, Liv, I need to be that man. " Wow, he just had a way with words tonight.

"El?" she said.

"Yeah?" he answered. He would need something to keep going. She knew it. "You will always be that person." She replied.

"Do you remember when we use to work together? Push each other to the limits and beyond? I've never had anyone before you who pushed me to be a better person." When he said things like this, she didn't know how to respond. Yes, she's had boyfriends in the past who were sweet talkers. She could openly awh them and move on, knowing it was just part of territory. Getting to know Elliot over the years, she knew that this just wasn't rambling or sweet talk. This is how he, Elliot Stabler, thought about her. About the love he had for her. "I want to see you, Olivia. I want to say these words to your face, not over a phone or through a door. I want to see your reaction." Would it be rude to bluntly tell him no? Because to her, that sounded like a horrible idea. "Before you say anything, Liv, I need you to do this, for me. Please. I don't want you in there, all alone. I don't want to be out here, all alone. If I upset you like last time when I'm done talking, I don't want you to be able to hide. I know it's tough for you to be emotional in front of people, but it's just me, Liv. Just me."

How could she say no to that? "Okay," and with that she closed her phone and headed to the living room. Walking down the hallway, she was unsure of every step. Silently promising herself she would cry, she entered the living room. Seeing that he now only took up the furthest corner of the couch, she hesitantly sat down at the opposite end. They sat there for what seemed like ages until he spoke. "I honestly didn't think you would come out there. You've been hiding from me today." She knew she was. But, there was a lot to be hiding from. "I'm sorry fo-"he tried to say. But, she cut him off. "If you're going to say sorry for writing the letter, Elliot, don't. I don't want to hear you're sorry again. You're not sorry for writing it-"she took a deep breath and continued"- and neither am I." Well, she didn't know where that came from. But, it was becoming easier to talk to him. She was grateful, though. "You're not?" he whispered.

"You were being honest with me. How could I punish honesty? Plus, I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't make you feel sorry for your thoughts and emotions." Out of the corner of her eye, he saw him smile. It was only for a second, but it made her less terrified of this whole situation. "What do you think we will be in a year?" he said, never looking up. "Happy." She replied, as if she knew what that meant.

He didn't know what that meant. But, if he was happy and she was happy than he guessed everything would be okay. Honestly, he didn't know if he wanted to be with her, like in a committed relationship. That was too scary to even think about. He took him years to tell her this, he was done with being scared for awhile.

She moved a bit on the couch and he thought she was going to get up. He reached out instantly and put his hand on her leg, "Don't go."

"I just don't know what else I can tell you tonight." She replied.

"Then don't talk. We can just sit here. It's better than sitting in your room, me in here, alone."

Several minutes past until he felt her shift again, this time to grab the cover lying in between them. The cover, that up till an hour ago, he was enveloped with. She scooted closer to the middle of the couch and stretched her legs out resting them out on the table. Taking the TV remote from the table near her feet, he turned it on. They sat there watching mindless TV for at least an hour before he grew very tired. He looked over at her and realized she had been dozing off. Scooting closer to her, he could smell her scent. After a moment, she hesitantly rested her head on his shoulder. Tugging on the blanket, she handed some to him. Covering his legs up with the blanket, he felt content. These little touches always made his head spin and grow cloudy. Smiling, he still looked blankly at the television. He felt good. Even if they weren't okay yet, he knew they would be soon.

I've always wondered about how the little things would feel, like how her hand would feel in mine or how her lips would feel. I hope one day I find out.

I've wondered about the stupidest things with Elliot. I wondered if he stretched as soon as he got up in the morning or what side of the bed he liked. Looking down from the TV, I saw his hand. It was filled with textured lines and an urge to hold it hit me like no other. I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to feel tonight, to cross out one of my questions. So, I turned his hand over and traced the lines with my finger. I heard his breath hitch and knew it was having the same effect on him. I shivered from the contact and intertwined our fingers. Looking up and meeting his eyes, I knew things would be okay in time.

Turning my attention back to the TV, I started to doze off, smiling. And just before I did, I heard him whisper, "I do love you, Liv. I really do."


	5. Chapter 5

**I know you all want them to get together. Your reviews tell me so :) But, I don't really don't think if they do it'll ever be that easy. It will be a medium-length winding road, I'm sure. But, not thaaaaat long! **** Keep reading & reviewing! **

"Morning, Liv." He whispered into her ear. He wanted to wake her up as gently and nice as possibly. The night had been long but when they finally settled down, the sleep was good. As the night went on, they sifted and scooted on the couch, leaning more and more into each other's embraces. Whispering to her again, he took his hand and shook her thigh as he said, "Liv, wake up." Stirring, she began to wake. She was cute when she first woke up, he must admit. He never thought they would get to this point much less any further. "Ten more minutes?" she whispered. How could he deny her? "Okay."

He let her sleep exactly thirteen minutes before he tried to wake her up again, he knew if he waited any longer she'd be upset for letting her sleep so long. "Liv, time to wake up." He said into her ear once again. Waiting a minute he continued, "Hey at least it's Friday and we've got the weekend off."

"Yeah, well I still don't want to go." She said as she opened her eyes. She knew they were wrapped around each other, but what she didn't know was as soon as she opened her eyes, a set of blue eyes would meet hers immediately. "I should get ready-"she said as she began to get up"-and you should go home and change clothes." He watched her as she walked to the door, opened it, and looked up at him. Moving from his spot on the couch, he gathered his belongings and headed for the door. Just outside of her door way, he turned around and lifted up her chin with his fingers and asked her "Are we going to be okay? I don't think I could take it if we weren't al-"but he was interrupted by her.

"Yeah, El, we'll be just fine. Like you said, I don't know where it will take us or what not, but we'll be fine. We always are." She said, rather confidently. "This isn't like other times, Liv. This is- different. This is about our, um, future. And if we'll even know each other than, if I've screwed this up too muc-"

Finding a sudden feeling of confidence, she took his hand that was still resting on her chin and dropped it to his side. Then, she leaned up and whispered into his ear, "I'm not letting you go that easily." And with that, she closed the door and began the day.

Arriving on time, she walked into the squad room baring two cups of coffee. Sitting one on his desk, she sat down at her own and began to work. She knew today would be boring, dull, what have you. Fridays were always about wrapping up the paperwork for the week's cases. 'Hours of paperwork' she thought to herself. Three hours later, she was beginning to lose her steam to work. Deciding to take a break, she played two games of solitaire and checked her work e-mail. Almost out of things to do but paperwork, she logged into her personal e-mail. Realizing she hadn't talked to Elliot all day, she began typing an e-mail.

Already logged into his personal e-mail, he heard the familiar chime right away. Looking at the computer, he realized it was from Liv.

_To: _

_From: _

_Subject: none_

Did you enjoy your coffee? I remembered we use to bring each other coffee everyday this morning and I know lately you've been all about the "Good ole years" so I figured I'd try it.

God, so like, I've missed her, our banter, her jokes. I've missed all of her. Fighting the smile that's fast approaching, I hit the reply button.

_To:Olivia_

_From:Elliot_

_Subject: Re_

_The coffee was good. I needed a pick me up this morning. Your right I've missed the 'good ole years,' but fyi- I've missed you more._

She missed him, too. She knew what he was talking about when he said "the good ole years." It was more about missing the easiness between them than the actual events that took place in those years. It was so easy back then. All of the "complicatedness" hadn't started yet. It was just him and her and the job, three things that just so happened to be a perfect mixture. Back than it was probably true they were naïve, true that they were in over their heads most of the time or that their closed cases were probably due to her stubbornness or his need for answers, all of those things were probably true, but something else that was true was they were a force to be reckoned with. They still are in a way. No one could open and close a case like them, no one could identify with the victims like Liv, and no one could search for justice like Elliot. But, unlike earlier years, that was about all they had, work. They had work in common. They hadn't "talked" in months, communicated even longer and when it all became too much, the emotional distance widened. She hated that but it was almost like instinct now, hard to avoid and even harder to overcome. When she had trouble at work or disagreeing with him, she'd run. It's just what she did lately, not saying she liked it, but it was the ugly truth.

_To:Elliot_

_From:Olivia_

_Subject: Re_

_Why the pick me up this morning? I missed you too, El, don't think I didn't._

_To:Olivia_

_From:Elliot_

_Subject: Re_

_Last night was pretty crazy, Liv._

_To:Elliot_

_From:Olivia_

_Subject: Re_

_I agree. I think my choice of adjective fits more than ever, don't you think? Complicated._

He honestly hated that word. She had been using it for awhile now. Everything between them was complicated. Every reply, "It's complicated." He had been painfully honest with her. He knows things were as the seemed, complicated, but not too complicated that it couldn't be sifted through. He had done it in a letter. Lost in thought, he was pulled out of it by his familiar e-mail tone.

_To:Elliot_

_From:Olivia_

_Subject: Re_

I can see you over there, thinking. You look mad. Why?

_To:Olivia_

_From:Elliot_

_Subject: Re_

_I hate that word, complicated. _

_To:Elliot_

_From:Olivia_

_Subject: Re_

_I think it accurately describes the situation, Elliot._

_To:Olivia_

_From:Elliot_

_Subject: Re_

_Maybe before. But now it isn't giving it justice. Maybe it was complicated before. Maybe we were lost in a haze but we're coming through it. We're not complicated anymore, Liv. _

Not complicated? What was he thinking? Of course they were complicated. The letter made the questions increase, the doubts grow. It was good to know how he felt, of course. But, if it was complicated before (which she knew it was) now, now it's nearly impossible to figure it out.

_To:Elliot_

_From:Olivia_

_Subject: Re_

_If we're not complicated, then what would accurately describe this? This situation? What would accurately describe us? I think complicated is fitting, for now._

_To:Olivia_

_From:Elliot_

_Subject: Re_

_I don't, in progress. Or how about almost there?_

_To:Elliot_

_From:Olivia_

_Subject: Re_

_Almost where?_

_To:Olivia_

_From:Elliot_

_Subject: Re_

_When you e-mail me back and tell me that was blunt and presumptuous and your mad for the rest of the day, just remember you asked, Liv. Now to answer your question…_

_To where we thought, or maybe just I thought, together._

She wondered what it would be truly like to be with Elliot. She let her mind wonder, to ponder their possible future. The future that's always seemed a little out of reach. The future she always secretly wanted, but could never have. She wondered what it would be like to wake up every morning right next to him. She wondered how it would feel to hold his hand, to cuddle while watching a movie. She wanted to know what it would be like to have to call home and tell him she would be late when they weren't working together, to eat dinner together. What it would be like to pick out groceries together and what holidays would be like. It all sounded so amazing. But, just as like happiness almost overtook her mind, the doubts and confusion came rushing in instead. What happens if they didn't work? It would definitely be something they would never get over, it they ended badly. Shit, if they ended at all. She couldn't just have this life, have him and then wake up the next day without him. She knew she was too weak for that. He had become her life, so logically without him in it some way or another, she didn't have to will to live. If they started a relationship, she could screw it up and never see him, loose him forever. What if she wasn't who he thought she was? He had been in love with the same woman all his life. He didn't know what love was if it wasn't with Kathy. Just as much as she knew she couldn't just wake up one day having lost him, she knew she could never live up to her. She was the mother of his five beautiful children, the housewife, and the supportive wife, too. She'd never be any of those to him. So, she chooses to tell him the first real useful information she had to give him.

_To:Elliot_

_From:Olivia_

_Subject: Re_

_Elliot- I'll never be perfect. I'll never be the person I am inside your head. The person you've almost made up. You need someone better than me, Elliot. You deserve someone better than me. _

_I am who I am, Elliot. That person takes every case she's ever had home with her. The person I am has demons that will match the worse. The person I am has more faults than most. That's reality. The reality is, Elliot, that I just don't belong with you. Someone like me doesn't belong with someone like you. It only looks good inside your head. It's not logical. _

After typing, she turned off her computer and took her lunch break. Walking down the hallway and slipping into the empty elevator, she let her first tear fall. It was one of the hardest things she's ever done, telling the person she loves that she's just not right for him.


	6. Chapter 6

**The feedback on the last chapter was great! Keep sending me your thoughts! They are very helpful. I was sick today and stayed home from school, so don't be surprised if I crank out chapter 7 today, too.**

I just don't know how to make her understand. I knew this would happen. I know Olivia better than anyone. I knew she would try and talk herself out of every emotion she experienced. She was going to try and step away from me when things got really hard. That was just Olivia. She didn't think she was ever good enough to be loved. In her head, she just wasn't the person that good things happened to. Before I die, I want to make sure Olivia Benson feels like the most loved and cared for person on the planet. I want to make sure she walks around with a smile on her face everyday just because she loves her life so damn much. I never want her to sit alone at night, like she is now and has been for years, I want her to be around her whole family. I want her to know what love is. I want her to experience it, embrace it, and learn how to unconditionally give it.

That e-mail set me back, yes. I was prepared for it. But, It didn't make it any easier. Maybe she just doesn't understand what she means to me. I've made mistakes in my life, everyone has. But Olivia has never been, never will be, a mistake. She's the best thing aside from my beautiful children that has ever happened to me. Turning off my own computer, I pick up my jacket and head for the door. I don't think I want to go to her right now, she needs space. But, I need air of my own. I'll grab a bite to eat and than come back, ready to fight for what I want.

What's with me crying over the past day? I never cry and if I do, it's about a hard case, never something so damn… personal because right now I'm sitting in the ladies bathroom on the first floor of the precinct that no one ever uses, balling my eyes out. I hate Elliot so much right now for making me cry so much, making me feel so damn inadequate and weak. I despise this feeling. I mean… I'm so damn scared. I'm trembling just thinking about what that damn letter has caused and what it will cause in the future. I don't know if I'm better off knowing what was contained in that letter or going on with my life just like before because now everything is split into two parts. There is before the letter and after because I know my whole world will be nothing of the same after.

I never want to lose him. I don't want to lose him physically or emotionally. I don't think I could honestly take it. Over the past ten years, he's been the most important person in my whole life. The one I would think about when I was sad or frustrated. I don't know if I wanted to discourage him with the e-mail because if he stopped communicating with me like he's been doing over the past day it would mean he didn't really care about me. He didn't really love me, not enough to fight for me anyways. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't… be with Elliot. That's not an option. He'll always have Kathy and a whole life he's spent twenty years building that has nothing to do with me. I feel myself crying harder and harder. I'm afraid someone might hear my sobs if I don't settle down. Plus, I've been down here twenty minutes and I don't want to go back to the squad room with red puffy eyes. That'll cause too many questions for my liking.

Finishing my sandwich and throwing it into the waste bin right outside of the precinct doors, I'm all of a sudden nervous about what's going to happen. I'm unsure of a lot of things. I am going to fight for her, I do know that. My life just won't be worth living if I don't have Olivia Benson.

After stealthy sneaking up to my locker and reapplying my makeup, I have nothing else to do up here. I've ran out of excuses to stay up here and I know I must 'face the music.' In some sick way, I want to believe I hurt Elliot; I want to believe he loves me so much that my e-mail crushed him. But, logically I know that's not true. I know when I walk down the stairs and sit across from him, he'll be working and he'll be okay. And when he goes home tonight, he'll still be okay. He'll be content like nothing ever phased him. Another thing I am positive of is at the same time he's watching football, eating chips, and never thinking of a bad thought, I'll be at home, crying. Because what he doesn't know is that when this is all over with, when it's been a thing of the past, he'll be just fine and I'll be falling apart.

Putting my makeup away, closing my locker door, and walking down the stairs all I can think about is in five hours I get to get the hell out of here.

Finally growing the balls to walk into the squad room, all I can think about is how many hours I still have to persuade her that I love her because in five hours, we will go to our respective apartments and I won't get to try and talk her out of every negative thought she's experiencing about me, her, and us.

So, yeah, my confidence is no longer with me. I suppose I left it up in the locker room because it damn sure isn't down here with me. I mean, come on, I'm staring at the floor boards while walking because I'm too scared to look up and find his eyes. I know if I would find them, they would be filled with content. And I just don't think I can take him being okay, when I'm such the opposite right now.

I feel like I have asthma or something, like I just ran the New York City marathon because walking into the squad room, I'm completely out of breath. Just knowing she's in there frightens me. I have so much to prove to her in such little time. As soon as I walk in I see her coming down the stairs. She's staring at her shoes or something because she refuses to look up. As I walk to my desk and turn on my computer, she does the same, never making eye contact. She repositions her chair and which side she normally leans to, so this way she's hiding from me. Even if I worked on the outside of my desk, I couldn't see her. Even if we are in the same room this stunt she's pulling makes me feel as if i am completely disconnected from her. I just want to talk to her. I want to pull her up to the cribs, sit on opposite cots and talk. I want me to explain, her to explain. I want to communicate with her because after all the years of not communicating with her, making sure she knew I didn't want to talk, I have never felt more disconnected with her than I feel now. Settling for the second best thing than what I actually want, I begin to type her a e-mail.

To:Olivia

From:Elliot

Subject:none

Nothing you type to me, say to me, or text me will make me give up fighting for you. I've spent years being a coward when it comes to you. I won't spend any longer. You said in your last e-mail you don't deserve me. I'm here to tell you, you probably deserve more than me. Anyone will tell you that, but maybe I'm so damn selfish that I just can't let you go, knowing you deserve more, because I love you so much. I will tell you that every moment I can until you believe me. I know this is weird, that even I, never thought our relationship would come to this. I told myself for years, just as I am predicting you are doing right now, that I didn't love you. That you were too good for me and that I'll never have you. But, I know what I want and until you tell me to my face I'm not what you want, that you don't love me, I'm going to here fighting for you, telling you every day that I love you. That I'm waiting for you and will be the rest of my life.


	7. Chapter 7

**What did i tell you? I cranked out another chapter! I don't know when it will be posted, since FF is down for two hours. But, just a little fyi- the second half of this story will be much more fluff than you ever thought possible.**

He can't just tell me these things. What happened to us that he thinks he can tell me over and over again he l-loves me? You don't just say I love you to people, that's not how it works. He can't just sit across from me, at work none the less, and tell me all those things. I can't stand him telling me that. As much as I'm trying to be mad, trying not to think about the inevitable, I can't. I'm looking for things to make me mad because I don't want to explore any other emotions that his e-mail is bringing up, I know this.

To:Elliot

From:Olivia

Subject:RE

Can you just try and not say I love you every conversation? It's very hard to focus when you're saying such heavy things. Try and keep it out of work and we'll talk over the weekend, okay?

Waiting five minutes, she finally typed another one. She knew he had gotten it, which only meant that she hurt his feelings. She knew she was being cruel but she just couldn't take him being, well being, everything she knew he would be.

To:Elliot

From:Olivia

Subject:none

I'm sorry if my last e-mail was mean. I'm just not use to you talking like that. It's all becoming way too much.

Reading her e-mail, he didn't know what to feel, how to feel. He was breaking everything she ever knew. Taking chances because he couldn't take it anymore, breaking her reality for selfish reasons. He wasn't giving up, no way in hell, was he giving up. But, he was going to let her have a day.

Not talking to him for five hours before the letter was normal. Not taking to him for hours didn't exactly whiz by, I was use to not talking to him on day's end. But, now sitting here after reading the letter, five hours seemed like a lifetime. I know he got both of my e-mails, I heard the sounds go off and him reach for the mouse. So, he got the mean one and the one apologizing. I need to talk to him, even if everything I said to him and my actions, say otherwise. Why is it every time I think about this situation I want to curl up with a blanket and cry?

Gathering my belongings, I turn off my computer and mentally prepare for this weekend. Due to the last few hours, I don't know if I'll spend it with Elliot, trying to figure out our lives, or all alone. Since when do mere hours of not talking to him cause a feeling of loneliness? This whole thing has changed me to the core.

Remembering I walked to work this morning, I start walking to where I know he's parked. If he won't talk to me at work, maybe he'll talk to me in a crowded car. It only takes me a few moments before I see him walk out of the door, headed my way. As soon as he gets close enough I say, "Care to drive me home?" We both know I could walk home but only I know the reasons why I don't want too. "Sure." We both get it while he starts the car and drives away from the precinct. Minutes later, we are still not talking. I want that to change, now. "Why aren't you talking to me?" I say, head held low.

"You told me to keep it out of work."

"We're out of work, Elliot."

"Touché. But, I figured if I gave you the day it would be easier on you. I know you don't want to talk right now. I'm just trying to be less selfish than I have been." How is he selfish? That confuses me.

"How are you being selfish, Elliot?"

I can't believe she doesn't realize it. I thought it was the elephant in the room, among the countless others. "I have selfishly turned your world upside down, Olivia, whether you want to admit it or not. I wrote you that letter because I needed to tell you. I made you talk because I needed to hear your voice. Everything I have done for "us" has been about me. I don't want you to think this is all about me, even though my actions tell you otherwise, Olivia. It's about us."

"Hear me out, Elliot. I talked because I wanted too, not because you made me. You did do all of those things for, um…"

"…us." I finish.

"You did, Elliot. I'm sorry if I haven't been upfront and forthcoming, but I will be. But, damn, El you have to give me time. Your right about one thing, you sure as hell turned my world upside down." She's looking out the window now. She's leaned away from me with her fingers intertwined in themselves and she looks so helpless. I don't know what I did, but when Olivia looks helpless, you know something is up.

"I'm so sorry I turned your world upside down, Liv. It could have been prevented I suppose." I say. Even though I know I would of told her in the future.

"Don't be, I'll just have to make another world. I don't know what it's going to be like, but, hey, I was up for a change anyways. Also-" I see her look at me."-it couldn't of been prevented. We both knew this would happen someday, Elliot." She takes her hand can settles it on my cheek and I instantly smile. I feel stupid smiling so big, so dumbly, but I just can't help it. "What do you mean we both knew? We? What are you saying, Olivia?"

As soon as I get those words out of my mouth she jerks her hand off my face, I catch it in midair and I continue. "Olivia, does that mean? I'm not the on-" I suddenly stop when I see a tear roll down her cheek. Pulling over, I turn off the car and yet gain, I continue. "I'm not the only one out of the two of us that feel the same way?"

She jerks her hand away from me again and I think she's going to just look out of the window, but instead she surprises me and opens the door and starts to walk away from the car. It takes me a moment to gather myself, but as I do, I can see her getting farther away from me. "Olivia! Wait!" I yell into the crowded New York sidewalk. She's almost jogging now, so I walk a little faster to catch up. I know were just a little way from her apartment and I also know if I don't catch up with her, if I let her go home, I will have lost all progress we've made. "Olivia!" I yell again. I start to run toward's her, she's actually jogging now. I never thought in a million years that she would be running away… from me.

I catch up to her at the steps of her building. I catch her arm in a mid swing and turn her towards me. Damn it, she's crying. She's really crying, now. Not like in the car, there is no lonely tear, there are many. Stunned, I try and say, "Olivia, I'm so sor-" but almost instantly gets cut off by her own voice.

"Please, Elliot, if you care about me as you say you do. You'll leave me be."

"I can't, Olivia. I don't want to lose you. You're going to go in there and persuade yourself that I don't do exactly that; care for you. I can't let you do that. I need to know, Liv. Are there mutual feelings here? Are there?" I say in one breathe.

"Not now, Elliot. Just not now." I say in between sobs.

"I can't just let you, all weeke-"

"Come up than. Come up and stay with me." Her words surprise me. She's asking me to stay?

"Liv, I was planning on giving you the day. I just need to know if-" again, cut off.

"I can't give you that right now. But, what I can give you is other answers. I'm not ready to talk about everything. But, I'm ready to talk about some things. Take it or leave it, Elliot. But, we both know you'll take it." She says.

I don't know where this is coming from. I'm confusing myself these days. One minute I can be crying and weak, another I am calm and confident. This man is driving me crazy, absolutely crazy and the weird thing is that in this moment, right now, I don't think I would have it any other way.

"I'll take anything you're willing to give me, Liv." His words are coated in sorrow. I can tell he's anxious about getting answers, I just don't think I can give him enough at this time. Feeling bad about how sad he looks, knowing I did this to him, I take the arm he has yet to give me back, step down from a step, still standing on another, putting my hand on the back of his neck and kiss him on the forehead. Pulling away, I whisper, "I don't know what I'm willing to give you, Elliot. But, one day I hope, as you do, it's a whole hell of a lot."


	8. Chapter 8

**Review, please? That would be a nice Christmas gift!**

My heart is beating so rapidly, I swear it's humming. How can one simple gesture render me speechless? I've never been so in love. I loved Kathy very much and for a very long time but I've never loved so hard. I've fallen head over heels in love with Olivia. I suppose I've been in love with her for as long as I can remember, but it's grown so strong recently I can barely breathe when she's around. As we walk up her stairs, headed toward her apartment, I feel like a teenager experiencing their first love. I can barely walk, the ground is unsteady and I have tears in my eyes just thinking about her. Walking side by side up the stairs, I need to be closer to her. It's not a want; it's a need at this point. Grabbing her hand, I can see her look at me with big eyes. It's a gesture of intimacy we just don't partake in. Intertwining our fingers, I lazily draw loose circles with my thumb. Looking up, I make eye contact with her and all I can do is smile. I know how pathetic I must look right now, but I'm not at all sure I care. Such a tiny thing like her fingers intertwined in mine makes me go weak at the knees.

I think I may be shaking. We're headed to my apartment, simple enough, right? Oh and we're holding hands. I'm giddy and holding hands with the boy I have a crush on. If I thought I was weak before, boy was I in for a surprise. I mean, come on, I've held hands before. Who hasn't? But, no, never with Elliot, he's the exception to any rule or anything I've thought I've learned about men over the years. He makes me go weak at the knees. If I wasn't so damn determined to keep my last shred of dignity I would collapse right here. Arriving at my door, I hesitantly unlock our woven fingers and grab my keys to lets us in. He's dangerously close now. I can smell him. He's making me nervous and excited all at the same time. Everything about Elliot makes me want to smile endlessly. That is, until reality and the logical fears I've had set in.

Turning around, I want him to leave. Now. I don't think this is a good idea at all. "Look, I'm just going to call it a night. I'm pretty hungry, I suppose I'll eat and head for bed. I'm sorry for making you come up here, um, yeah." I say into the floorboards.

"Liv, what's going on? You're the one who invited me up, its not like I imposed or somet-"

"I know that, Elliot. I know that. It's just maybe I'm not ready or like-"

"I know you're not. You just told me that, not five minutes ago. How about I come in and I'll make us some food and then we will call it a night?"

"Um, Okay. But, really I am tired and yeah…"

"Stop being so afraid, no one or nothing here is trying to hurt you." I say as I slide past her to enter her apartment. Almost all the way past her, I take her waist in my hand and turn her my way. Not removing my hand I say, "One night, Liv, One night of being completely honest, of being open. Leave your fears at the door, Liv. It's just me here."

"That's an awful lot to ask, Elliot. From both of us I think."

"This whole time, I've been nothing but open and honest with you. Your turn, now."

"I just don't know if I can. Come on, Elliot! It's not like this is every going to be a the-end happy ever after story!" She's almost shouting now. I have to calm her down or this night is going to take a dramatic turn for the worse.

"Please, Olivia. Please stop second guessing your feelings. You're giving me whip lash." Okay, maybe not the smartest thing I've said. It kind of just came out, of nowhere.

"Oh! Please forgive me for reacting like any rational human being would!" She is shouting now.

"That's not what I meant, I'm sorry. Just give it a chance, please? I need you to be honest with yourself so you can tell me. I need to know, if I'm wasting both of our time or what."

"What do you want me to say, Elliot?"

"Whatever you feel-"Taking the hand off her waist, I reposition right over her heart and continue"-in here. That's what I want to hear."

Not getting a response for what seemed like forever I again, continue, "Tell me I'm not wasting our time, Liv." We just stand there, right inside her doorway, my hand near her heart, not able to move it.

"Damn it, Liv, or tell me I am. Something, I feel so stupid, standing her-"

"You, um, no."

"No, what Liv?"

"You're not wasting our time." She whispers. She removes me hand, than. She walks past me and right into her bedroom.

Taking a moment to do a mental victory dance, I head for her room. Standing outside her now closed door, I knock and say, "Liv? Come out?"

Almost immediately, a response, "Why?"

"Because you obviously didn't eat lunch due to the sounds your stomach was making in the car and because we have a lot of talking to do and after that talking, we are going to watch a movie and fall asleep. Because, it's so much easier falling if there is someone else with you."

"So, you think we're falling? Taking the other one down with us?"

"No, Liv. There is another kind of falling, the good kind. The great kind."

Opening the door, I see her sitting on her bed farthest away from the door. Her light is still off and the only light being let in is through her curtains, successfully illuminating a path to her. I sit next to her, covering her hand with mine. Again, intertwining our fingers. We sat there for ages until a soft whisper came in the form of a sentence, "Sometimes falling is still falling."

Getting up, I tug him up with me by his hand. He stands and whispers in my ear, "There isn't anything wrong with what we're doing, Liv. We were always meant to be here."

I don't think he knows how hard it is for me. "I don't know how it can be so damn easy for you, El."

"It wasn't. I spent many nights hating anything and everything over this. I've pushed people away, including you, because of exactly this. But, I realized nothing in my life would be fixed if I didn't mend the cause. My heart was broken, Liv because I didn't have you. It was worth it. This, will be worth it."

Looking up, meeting his eyes, I say, "And if it isn't?"

"No matter what happens, Olivia Benson, I will always be in your life. I will never, ever let you go."

"You don't know what the future holds, Elliot. We could be letting go of everything by trying to gain it."

He takes his hand that's not enveloped in mine and cradles my cheek. Placing a small but delicate kiss on my forehead he tells me, "You are everything to me, Olivia. If we don't work out, I'm still going to be here. Like it or not, you have a part of me. I'm reminded of it every day because we you are not around, a part of me feel like it's not there too. God damn it, Liv, I just don't feel whole without you."

His words tear me apart, so simple but so loving. I'm so scared, it would be much easier to curl up in a ball and sleep the days away. Sleep the fears away. He's so sure of himself and I second guess every word and action. Every time I get caught up in my own thoughts, I start to cry. Aware of this, I move to brush the tear away. However, I am very much unaware he's in the process of doing it himself. His touch is so tender; it makes me want to cry harder, so I do. If I had to lose it in front of anyone, I would want it to be him. Crying harder by the moment, I move to the bed. I just couldn't stand anymore. I'm so scared. I'm so scared, the what if's are eating me alive and I have nowhere to turn. "Shhhh, Liv, Shhhh"

I see him get down, bend down on his knees that are placed hard into the floor, and lean forward. I'm laying, now, facing him. He pushes the hair out of my face and brushes the tears away. I see him lean forward another time and feels his lips lightly touch next to my ear. He does this before whispering, "I love you, that's all that matters. Love does, indeed, conquer all and with the amount I love you, we have not a problem standing in our way that really matters."


	9. Chapter 9

I've been more or less alone my whole life. I've had friends come in and out of my life. I've had boyfriends who stuck around for awhile; I use to have my mom, while she was sober… and still alive. And it's not that I like being alone because I don't. It's just that I am alone. It's something that I've became at rest with years and years ago. But, now Elliot, the person who has been there for me the longest, wants to change everything I've known. I prepared myself for dying alone; I've even prepared myself for never having a child. I've mentally prepared myself for the years of solitude after I retire; I thought I prepared myself for it all. But, I have never ever prepared myself for this. I never thought that I would have someone in front of me promising me all that I've ever dreamed about and more importantly, the exact opposite of what I've prepared myself for.

So, I now lay here wondering how it ever got here. Sure, Elliot and I have always been closer than necessary, but I never thought it would get here. I've made calculated decisions that prevented me from getting hurt, from me ever getting into a situation where emotions were a factor. Maybe that was my first mistake, living my life trying not to get hurt. I never got the point in taking risks, I guess, other than on the job. My life, I thought, was always predetermined. Why fight the inevitable?

Elliot left an hour ago on a search for food. So, now I'm lying here staring into nothingness replaying my life. I'm lying here wondering how in the hell I got to this point. This isn't what I wanted for myself. I never wanted this; I had such big dreams for myself. This isn't how it was suppose to go. I was supposed to be living just outside the city with a big family, a wonderful husband, a dog, and damn it, I was supposed to be happy.

Filing away my thoughts for a later date; I hear the door unlock and I know he's back with food. I haven't eaten all day so he's going to be lucky if I don't tackle him to get it. Standing up, I walk into my bathroom and wash up. Staring into the mirror, my eyes are puffy and my cheeks bright red. I can't let him see me life this, I can't let anyone see me like this.

"Liv, I come bearing food!" I hear him yell. Closing the door, I reach for my makeup and start applying. Two minutes later, I hear him come for me. "Liv, what are you doing? I said I have food woman."

"I'll be out in just a sec."

"Everything okay?" Always concerned lately, not that I'm complaining.

"Yeah, just, uh, freshening up."

"You don't have to put on makeup or comb your hair, Liv. You forget I've seen you without sleep for three days…" he says, laughing. "Yeah, well, sorry."

"Don't be." And I hear him walk away. An hour later, we're sitting on the couch, Chinese scattered in front of us. I don't think either one of us knows what movie is on or even what it's about. We're not sitting close, we're sitting at a normal distance and what's weird is that it feels unnatural now. It's been a day or more since this was all brought upon me and I'm already changing. This is what I was afraid of, this change that I can feel coming. Even though I want it to be a good change, a great one, I know that my luck isn't good so it won't be. It'll be a bad change; somehow, someway it will go bad. That's just my luck. That's one of the reasons I never wanted to shake things up between us, I knew this would happen. I knew somehow, I would lose him.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice almost makes me jump, there hasn't been words spoken for awhile.

"Um, the last few days, you know just stuff."

"Care to share?"

I look over at him, sitting almost at the opposite end of the couch, and make eye contact. He has the most amazing eyes, and I smile instantly when I begin to just stare. It isn't awkward or rushed, it's just communicating without talking. "I um, don't know. I'm still unsure, Elliot. I feel like my world is going to be pulled out from under me at any second, honestly."

"Are you still afraid that I'll leave? That you'll lose me?"

"Yeah, El, that's what I'm afraid of. It might not be everything your use to, but it's everything to me and more. It's all that I have."

"I would never take your world away from you, Olivia. I told you I wasn't going anywhere, even if this went horrible. Even if you punch me and tell me never to talk to you again, I'll still be here."

"I'm not that girl, not that girl who you think I am." I say, staring at my hands. I had to break eye contact with him because I know its coming. The vulnerable Olivia that I've tried to hide for years is making an appearance. I feel the couch rise and fall again and he's suddenly close, real close. We don't touch though.

"Olivia, if I don't know who you really are, who does? I know you inside and out, don't fool yourself, I know you better than I know myself" he says.

I don't say anything; I know he won't get it. I'm not who he's supposedly in love with and I'm not going to get in over my head for him just to find out that I'm not and leave me.

I don't know what else I can say to her to make her believe me, to make her understand. I love this woman more and more every day, I know it's hard. I've been fighting with these feelings for years, but sitting here it's all worth it. Reaching out and intertwining our fingers, we just sit there. I don't know how long we stay complacent on the couch, but I do know that while watching some movie, she scoots towards me.

Hearing her breath catch, she leans in her head on my shoulder and tucks her toes under my outer thigh, knees pulled up. I can't help smiling. She's so close. We're cuddling on her couch, Olivia Benson's couch. I'm cuddling with Liv. All these facts make me love her ever more. Never letting go of my hand, I feel her squeeze and intake a breath.

"Elliot, you, um, say you'll never leave?"

"Never, ever Liv."

"You say you know me, but you don't know all of me. No one does, I've lived my whole life never taking chances. Looking back, I regret not taking chances that could have lead me to such great things." I feel her head shift and she's steering right into my eyes, she continues. "I don't want to regret you, El. I don't want to sit here in a few months or even years crying over what could have been."

"What are you saying, Liv?"

"Before you, um, fall too hard I want you to know all of me."

"Liv, I know a lot… and I love ever-"

"Elliot?"

Still holding eye contact, I reply, "Uh huh?"

"I want to share everything with you. So you can make a logical decision on what you want."

I notice her eyes are becoming shiny and her nose red quickly. "El?" she asks.

"Yeah, hun?"

She takes her hand that was holding mine and places her palm over my cheek, massaging the apples of my cheeks with her thumb. It makes my heart thump faster than I thought possible.

"Just, when I tell you, um, don't run too far. I know it's going to be a lot to take in, but um, you promised. After I tell you these things, you promised to stay my partner, my friend."

Placing my hand over her soft hand, still on my cheek, I reply, "Baby?"

I can tell the pet name makes her uneasy almost instantly, but she replies all the same. "Mmhmm?"

"I am not going to leave you after you tell me. I won't leave here tonight and I'm not going to leave tomorrow. I know, to the core, who you are. No experience or your past will change that. I love you with all my heart, all my being. Every inch of who I am strives to be with you because I just can't be without you."

Never loosing eye contact or taking our hands that lye on my cheek off I continue after a moment, "Now, tell me everything you wish to tell me and when you are, I'll be here. Right here, Olivia, on your couch, listening to you. I'm never going to leave."

I can see I've affected her with my words, with what I've had to say because her eyes are shimmering in the TV's light. I can see in here eyes she's fighting to not run out of the room and kick me out. That she wants me to both get the hell out and give her space and also to hold her close, to talk to her till the sun comes up. I hope what she really wants wins, what we both want.

"Elliot, do me a favor. Never let me let you go. No matter what my actions say, no matter how far I've ran in the past or try to in the future, I want to be right here, with you. I just, god Elliot, you've made me need you so much." She says, as tears run down her cheeks. Looking to the ceiling, she lets out a heavy breath and continues, "Fuck, El, I need you so damn much. Don't let me ruin us."

"I understand your feeling of need, Liv. I need you, too. I'll give you all of me, everyday, in every way."

Moving her hand from my face to my shirt, she grabs a handful of my shirt and says "God, El, don't let me let you go. I don't want too, it may be practical, it might be morally right to tell you to leave me and I know you deserve better, but damn it-"She chokes back a sob. "I want you."


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm feeling inspired! Chapter 11 should be up soon!**

We sat there on her couch for what must have been a good couple of hours. She talked; I listened, which was a welcomed change from the last few days. But, what she was talking about was something totally different than the things that have been coming out of my mouth. She told me the events that happened in her past, the ones that fit into the spaces between what I already knew. She told me about the event that made the Eldridge case so hard for her and why she needed me the night she met a little girl named Maria. She explained to me how she's been alone her whole life and that no one ever knew how hard it was. So, when she found Simon, she thought her life was going to get a lot better but instead it got even more screwed up. She told me the things they talked about when he came over, she told me the little test he gave her, and how when she passed she was so happy she just wanted to cry. She told me about the heartbreak she felt when she found out about the charges being brought against him and then she told me she went home that night and drank herself into oblivion. I wish I could have been with her that night, I would of never let her become the person she thinks she destined to be, her mother.

She told me all her childhood memories, good or bad. She told me about when her and her mother decorated her home for Christmas one year when she was 10; she thought it was all so enchanting. They had spent a whole week preparing for it, buying ornaments and bundling up in their winter outfits to go to the corner to pick up more lights, baking Sugar cookies every night for a week, so they had dozens lying around the house. She told me, with her eyes glimmering, about the nights her and her mom stayed up watching old Christmas movies, cuddled up on the couch. She also told me about the night of Christmas Eve how her mom got so drunk she didn't want anything to do with Christmas ever again. Her mom spent hours ripping down the decorations, throwing away the homemade sugar cookies, and stomping on every present purchased. She went on to say that was the last Christmas she ever really had, that she much preferred to be working that night.

She went on for hours and I didn't mind at all. But, the stories were starting to get to me. Each more heartbreaking than the next, she told me the past events that she thought shaped her into who she was and when she was done we just sat there. We had repositioned ourselves on her couch between hour number one and two, so I was now leaned back with my feet resting on the table, her laying her head on my chest. I played with her hair the whole time she told her stories, just so she would know I was still listening, still here for her.

"Liv?"

"Yes, Elliot?"

"Can I hear just one more story?" I know I was taking a chance by asking her, but she was feeling so willing to share herself with me tonight.

"I've told you all I can, Elliot. I have no more."

"What happened at Sealview, Olivia?" I barely got the sentence out of my mouth before I could see her body tense and her eyes snap shut.

"Nothing, Elliot. Nothing happened; I've told you before, Fin got there in time."

"I know something happened, Liv. I could see it on your face for weeks. I want, um, need you to share this one last thing with me."

"Nothing happened, Elliot. It almost did, but nothing actually did. He pushed me around a bit and hit me."

Sitting up, it made her also sit up. She hadn't bothered to turn around, so her back was facing me, her head hung low. Putting a reassuring hand on her back, I asked on last time, "Baby, what happened in the basement?"

She started to shake her head and then I could feel her shivering under my hand. "It almost did, Elliot. He had me down there, restrained, he was so close. The things he was telling me, if Fin would have-" I enveloped her than, pulling her closer to me. I've never hugged someone so hard, been so concerned.

"It didn't though, right? You said nothing happened, you said it didn't." I could barely control myself. She was crying, it was all too much. "No, but damn it, I felt so helpless, he was so close."

All I could do was hug her, care for her. My heart ached and when she finally calmed down, she drifted off to sleep. Back to our original position, her head settled on my chest. When I thought she was finally asleep, I let my tears fall.

When they started, they wouldn't stop. I cringed when I thought about it, but it was all I could think about, her in that basement... all alone. I felt like a failure.

I hadn't known about what was going on with the Eldridge case, wasn't there for Maria, and was back at the station when she went undercover. I wasn't there for her, I hadn't looked out for her. In my book, I had failed her.

Crying harder than I ever have before, I figured out something. She needed someone to protect her, someone to be there for her everyday. I had already proved myself not to be that person. I was crazy to think I could protect her, when I had unknowingly been failing for years.

Yeah, in my book, I had failed her and not only as a friend, but as a partner. It was simple; I wasn't doing my job as her partner, much less anything else.

I had failed her.


	11. Chapter 11

Starts out about ten minutes BEFORE the last chapter ended. Don't be surprised if chapter 12 is up soon, Review please!

I couldn't believe I had told him all those things. I have always been such a closed off person, I would of never imagined that happening. I don't regret it, believe me. But, I needed him to know. There was so much just lingering between us, a lot of them unanswered questions. I needed him to know these things, I needed for him to know who I was, I am, before he risked so much.

One part of me wants to run away, like I did before. Granted the situation is a lot different this time, but I still wanted to go away, I think I have some vacation time saved up. It scares the hell out of me, all these chances I've been taking lately. It confuses me more. I don't know what I want; I use to think it was a big happy family. Than I thought a successful career, and yes, I went through a period where all I wanted was the man who sits across from me. It doesn't matter what I've wanted in my life, it never seems to happen. They are all just meaningless dreams saved for hard days or reflective nights.

Another part of me can't see straight because I'm so happy. I know I should give Elliot away, preferably back to his family. But, I've finally caught him. According to him, I've had him for years. I don't think I believe him. He's been happy without me before, I mean damn it he's been happy without me during the time we were partners. He's had Kathy, he's had Dani, he doesn't need me.

As I lay here, on his chest, I can feel his heart beat. It's strong and rhythmic, it humbles me. It's all so complicated. Nothing about this predicament is easy or simple. It's not black and white, it's nothing like that. It's scary as fuck and horrible. Eleven years is a lot of time to become attached to someone and oh, have I became attached. I would go to the end of the world and back four times for this man. But, it's just that this man, not my man, this.

Every time I like myself think about what could be, my head automatically fills up to the top with thoughts on why this is wrong, what could go wrong.

But, I want my mind to wonder. I want it to think about it could be like to be loved by Elliot Stabler and almost on cue, I smile widely. Good thing his eyes are behind me or I would probably look crazy, eyes closed smiling like a little girl.

I mean waking up next to him every morning? His arm wrapped around my waist, his scent in my bed? That's almost; well it is, too get to bed true.

We'd hurt so many people by us being together, I don't know if he's ever thought about that. Let's name the first group, his whole family. Dickie's already accused me of sleeping with him and even though I hope its not true, I'm sure that idea was put in his head by his mother. Kathy would be heartbroken. She's a good woman. I've grown to like her over the years; she's one of the good guys. Yes, I've been jealous. Yes, I think she should of handled the separation better, but she's good. Even though we aren't the best of friends, I still like that she likes me, at least on the outside. I'd always be the other woman, always. His children have grown to be something of my own. After helping save Kathleen, I've found yet again, my attachment to them. They would hate me forever and I could never blame them. I would hate me too.

We'd have to be split up at work. A partnership is a delicate thing, but strong. Who are we to separate Munch and Fin just because we decided to take on something more between us? If it was switched around, we'd be pissed about being split up, too. It's not fair to them; I mean damn, it's cruel.

Cragen has put his neck out about us before, saying we weren't too close. If we got together, we'd be chopping it right off.

Who are we to do that too all these people? People we love, our family. Who are we to hurt all of them? Just so we can be happier. It's all so complicated, not simple at all.

Even though the situation as a whole is horribly complicated, there are certain parts that are simple.

Number one is that I've never had a family. I've been alone my whole life. I finally find another type of family, but a family all the same. I know they love me unconditionally and I would hurt them if I took this chance. There is no way in hell I would do that. I mean, they are my family.

The second simple thing is that I want it, so badly. I know I'm contradicting myself. But, his heartbeat under my ear makes me want to swoon like a teenage girl. I want everything, all of it. Selfish, yes, but I can't stop myself from dreaming about the far away possibility. It'll never happen, but it's nice to think about it. And maybe in another lifetime, I'll deserve it. I'll have it and I'll cherish my life every day.

Still smiling, I begin to doze. But, right before I fall asleep, the rhythmic heartbeat becomes erratic, uncontrolled. Nothing else is erratic, he stays perfectly still. I wonder what he's thinking about that has his heart giving away his emotions. Taking a minute to access noises and such, I figure he is dreaming.

Trying to doze off once again, I once again get interrupted. But, this time it's a sniffle. My eyes widen as I realize he's either got a head cold that happened in the last few minutes or he's behind me crying. Believing the ladder, I reach for his hand, resting on his stomach. Intertwining my fingers, I hear his breathe catch and his heartbeat becomes weak. He's holding his breath, stunned probably.

"I um, sorry. Thought you were asleep." He whispers.

Brushing my thumb back and forth over his, I whisper back, "What's the matter, Elliot?"

He doesn't respond immediately. It takes him a minutes, but now his heart thumps regularly and he responds, "Just thinkin', Liv. Go back to sleep."

"After all that I've told you tonight? You're going to lie, now?" I say back, at a higher level.

Turning over, and sitting up. I'm not sitting backwards on the couch, knees propped up, shins digging into the back. That's when I realize, it's not a regular cry. There are tear stains on his shirt. My eyes go into a sad pout. "El, what's the matter? This isn't just thinking."

He lets another tear drop and turns to look out the window. "I've realized I've failed you, Liv. I've been te-"

"Elliot, what are you talking about? You haven'-"

"Let me finish, Liv."

I nod as he continues, "I have, Liv. I have failed. I've been telling you this whole time that I would never leave you and that I'll always be here, but, talking about your past tonight made me access mine. I've never been there when you truly needed me. I wasn't there during those cases. I may have been right beside you during the Eldridge case, but not how you needed me to be there. Being physically there is a pathetic excuse, you needed me emotionally. You turned to someone else that night, Liv, two other people to have your back, to confide in. I've failed you so much and for that I'm truly sorry. I think it's time for me to leave."

His words took a minute to render, but they did just in time. As he was beginning to get up, I pushed him back down. I took his face in my hands, looked him straight in the eyes and said, "You have not failed me, Elliot Stabler. Don't let yourself believe that. You could of never predicted when I needed you. I know if I needed you- you would have been there. That's all that matters. How could you think that? I don't. You have never failed me, El."

He's eyes try going anywhere but locked into mine. I can see he doesn't believe me. I have to make him believe me, any way I can.

"If you truly believe that, than I have failed you, too."

His eyes shoot right back to mine and he fixes his slouched position, sitting parallel to me. "How can you say-"

'It's the same thing, Elliot. I have let you get shot many times, I made Bushido even worse. It's the same thing. So tell me, Elliot, do you feel like I have failed you?" I've made a damn good argument, almost making myself believe I have.

"No, but those aren't-"

"Same thing, exactly the same thing, I don't feel like you've failed me and neither do you. You haven't failed me, Elliot. Got it?"

Still holding his eyes with mine, I see the wave of acceptance. "Have you ever thought about being a lawyer? You just made a damn good argument." He smiles.

"Nah, than you would never get to see me. No one wins in that situation." I smile back.

We just sit there for a second, eyes held to the other persons, smiling.

I don't know how long it'll last, but for right now. We're happy.


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry guys! I kind of hit a snag with this one, I still want it to be believable! Review please! Chp 13 soon!

After much debating, we decide to catch a movie. We both know that sitting in this apartment all night wouldn't help, so we decided to go out. I decide to go home and change while she does, too. Showering and changing, I pick her up right on time.

After she gets into the car, I find that the air is thick. "We didn't even talk about what we are seeing. Do you have any preferences?" she says.

"No, actually I don't. I haven't been home to see any previews on the TV, so whatever looks good when we get there I suppose."

Arriving at the movie the awkwardness doesn't cease, it only gets stronger as I buy the tickets and purchase the snacks. Taking a seat in the back of the theater, I understand why. We are both on date mode with our partner. It's odd because it's new. I don't even know if this is a date, I mean I hope so, but her answers to my questions the past few days haven't been direct. I don't even know what she wants, I know her feelings though. I smile as I remember her saying that she wanted me. By the second, my smile grows bigger and wider, until she elbows me. "Elliot, you look like a freak, sitting there smiling." She says, while laughing. I laugh back and fall into my thoughts again. How amazing would it be if this was an actual date? It would be… unbelievable. A date with Olivia Benson never thought the universe would treat me so well.

"What are you thinking about anyways? You're just sitting there smiling." She says, she turns her body so that she's angled towards me, our knees touching.

"You don't wanna know." I say, smile still plastered on my face.

"Yeah, I do. That's why I asked, Stabler."

Oops, she hasn't called me that for days. She must feel really inquisitive. "Stabler, Eh? Must really want to know what I'm thinking about. You don't call me Stabler unless I'm in trouble."

"Just tell me, I'm nosey."

"What if I tell you and you just say your right I didn't want to know?"

"I won't, promise. Now tell me."

Taking a chance because hell, I've been feeling pretty gutsy these days, I ask, "Is this a date Olivia?"

She's taken back by the question, I can tell. She physically moves away from me. "I- I mean we're um." That's all she comes up with, she's so shocked by the blunt question she can't even answer.

"Is this a date or not Olivia?" Just as I asked the movie started. Damn my luck, I thought.

She took the opportunity to scoot back in her chair the right way and look forward. An hour and a half later, we still hadn't spoken. I bet we looked as awkward and out of place as we feel, though.

I looked over at her and caught her eye, just before she looked forward again. I thought this movie would be a good idea, to get out of her apartment. To see things that aren't so difficult, take us out of our element a little. We needed a break from the deep conversations and meaningful stares, something simple. Caught up in my thoughts, I didn't even notice her shift towards me. But, I did notice when she took my hand in hers and rested them on her lap. It amazes me how something to juvenile could make me swoon like a teenager, still.

I couldn't help it, I just sat there smiling. I could feel the heat of her hand in mine; I could feel the muscle of her thigh under my hand, too. This woman made me crazy, absolutely crazy. I was so in love with her; it made my heart thump faster. Leaning over, I whispered in her ear, "A date with Olivia Benson, never thought I'd be so lucky. I didn't think we'd ever get here, Liv. Thanks for taking a chance with me." Taking another chance, I lightly kissed her jaw.

She held her breathe for a moment and she replied back, "You can't just do that, Elliot. I'm not ready for that-"She took a deep breath and continued, "-yet. This whole thing still makes me very nervous. I'm-We're- not ready for the consequences." She moved away from me and tried to tug her hand away. But, I wouldn't let go.

"No, okay, I won't do anything like that until you are ready but-" I wiggled my fingers and squeezed her hand. "-this is okay, right?" She nodded and we sat in silence until the credits rolled. Picking up the popcorn and drinks, we walked out and I threw them away. We walked in silence for awhile until we got into the car. I just sat there a minute, taking a breather; I hadn't even started the car yet. "Do you want to um, just take a break from us for now? I was thinking and um, it's probably hard for you to think with me around all the time. I'll just drop you off at your apartment and see you Monday." I didn't want to, I wanted to stay with her, but I just, I knew I was making it harder. I think she's getting more scared, not more comfortable.

We drove in silence all the way back to her apartment; I didn't even turn the radio on. She stared out of the window the whole time, she didn't talk about my last sentence, she didn't look over, it just seemed like she didn't care.

Maybe I was getting ahead of myself here. I knew what I wanted and I was like a bull in a china cabinet trying to get it, maybe I broke too many things on my way. I thought by now I would at least have a answer either way but I'm even more confused than ever. Her words are telling me one thing and her actions are saying another, it's confusing me to no end.

I'm not giving up, I'm not. I may never give up, even if she turns me down every day for the rest of my life. She just needs time. Actually, maybe we need time. I need to simmer down and stop pushing my feelings on her. We pulled up to the apartment complex just a few moments later and I unlocked the doors, it was the only sound in the car and it seemed to echo.

"I hate the way this situation has made me, Elliot. I'm weak. I cry almost every time something remotely emotional happens. I'm not weak and you of all people should know that. I don't cry, I don't lock myself in a bathroom so I don't have to talk to you, and I certainly don't- don't want to need anyone. It defies who I've been all my life. So tell me, why am I this person now?"

I couldn't even answer her. I didn't know what to say and I'm too scared I'll make things worse. She almost sounds resentful. Like I made her like this, like I made her a different person. So, I just shrugged. For this first time in the past few days, I didn't know what to say. "Great, Elliot. Well since you don't know and I don't know, I guess we have nothing more to talk about." She bent down and grabbed her purse and I didn't want her to go. "What do you want me to say, Olivia?"

"You blame me for making you the person you say you're not?"

Minutes passed before she spoke up again, "Yeah, yeah I do."

Shocked, I replied, "I'll see you Monday, Olivia."

I looked straight ahead as she starred at me for a moment and then got out of the car, making sure she slammed the door on the way out.

He didn't even to see if I had gotten into my building alright, like he always does. He didn't make sure I turned on my lights when I got into my apartment, either. He drove away as soon as I got out of the car, I really must have made him mad. I didn't mean to, but I needed him to know I wasn't being me. I wanted an answer because I honestly don't know. I don't know what I'm actually completely out of character. That's one thing I promised myself I would never be; weak. But, here I was sitting on my couch with a open bottle of wine in front of me and an empty one in the trash, glass in hand. Even though I was scared the whole time, something felt wrong when he didn't come back home with me. It didn't feel wrong when he was here or when we held hands in the theater, it felt wrong he wasn't here. It was unsettling and upsetting. This whole situation is confusing at best and was becoming harder to see through the fog of questions not asked and answers not spoken. But, the whole time I knew I had him.

I don't want to lose him and I was hoping I haven't already. He was so disconnected when he left, he seemed really upset. I don't want to be the person to upset him and I don't want to be the person who breaks his heart, but I just honestly don't believe he has thought this all out. I know he hasn't. He told me love conquers all, which was his answer for the billion questions and concerns that I pondered, love conquers all. My life isn't a fairytale; I know that it's more complicated than that. Yeah, the thought is nice, but not rational or true at all. I wasn't the girl who was fortunate enough to have anything to our correct. Even the little things go all wrong, even the small non-important things turn our bad. So, why in the hell would the biggest decision I've ever had to make turn out the correct one? It just wouldn't. Sitting my glass down on the table, I stumble into my bedroom, discard my shoes and clothing, and fall onto my bed. I just lay there for what seemed hours and I just cried. It was uncontrollable, it wasn't erratic, but it just wouldn't stop. It's a funny feeling, being mad at you for crying and not being able to stop all at the exact same moment. I cried because I knew I wouldn't be if he was here. I was crying because I put myself into the situation that made me cry. And most of all I lay here crying because he wasn't with me.

I lay here crying because remembering our last conversation he wouldn't be with me tomorrow either or tomorrow night. I lay here crying because he wouldn't even be with me the next day. He wasn't with me. He wasn't with me physically or mentally.

I hated the person I was around him, who I thought he made me into too. But, I've never hated anything more than the person I am without him.


	13. Chapter 13

Sadly, this story will be coming to an end soon =( But, don't worry! I'll have a new story out soon.

Waking up the next morning, I already dreaded today. I felt like I've been going "home" to her for years, when it's only been days. It doesn't feel right, not being with her. But, what I did, I believe, was good for her. Good for both of us. I didn't notice that I had increasingly pushed my feelings and opinions onto her over the past few days. I told her to think it over, made it clear I needed and wanted an answer, but never gave her the space or the time to really think it through. I've been selfish in the past and I want her to realize I'm doing this for both of us. I wish I could just lie in bed all day. Realizing that I won't see her for days, I just want to curl up under the covers and sleep those days away.

She's saying she's a different person because of this. I am, too. In the past I was never so open about or to someone before; I didn't talk about my feelings or what was truly going on. It was a part of the reason my marriage didn't work out, among many other things. But, I knew I need to change with Olivia. I was always aware that I was another person with her, that she made me another person. But, unlike her I never thought it was a bad thing. I'm many things. I'm a son, ex-husband, a dad, cop, a peer, coworker, friend, and a partner. And when I'm with her, I'm all of those people or at least the good things about those titles.

I'm protective and caring over her like a father and partner. I'm mentally alert and ready for anything when I'm around her like a cop. I'm friendly and I care about what's best for her, that's the friend and peer in me. I've made my mistakes with her, but I'm trying to make up for them. Unfortunately, that's the ex husband that lies within. I can think of one positive thing that came out of my divorce and that is to appreciate each day. It taught me to appreciate each and every person in your life, especially the important ones and oh was Liv one of the important ones. I didn't want to screw things up with her; I still blame myself for the bad years. I pushed her away, was completely out of line, and nothing but an asshole to her. I don't think she knows I feel bad about that, every day of my life. I would take back how I hurt her, I would take back to much, so much would be different. I figured it was unlikely I could actually stay in bed all day, so I got up and ate, didn't a load of laundry, and watched a game of baseball. I had only burnt up a few hours, it was only noon. I wonder what Liv was doing. I wonder if she would pick up my calls or texts. I'm sure she's doing paperwork or surfing the web, so I decided to e-mail her. Logging onto to my laptop and sitting on the couch, I didn't know really what to say, so I just started simple.

To: Olivia

From: Elliot

Subject: None

You mad?

Cleaning my kitchen for like the ninth time today, I grew worrisome about who I let myself become, again. I felt so damn stupid, not being able to handle myself if he wasn't here. I'm not that person, not that woman. I'm strong, not weak. I don't cry, damn it. I have just… damn it... I've totally lost who I was before this happened. I knew from the beginning this would be a before the letter and after the letter kind of thing, but I only thought that meant where me and Elliot stood, not who I was. I was completely different after this. I was broken down and scared; he made me like this because he didn't keep up the silent secret we had mentally promised so long ago. Clutching the counters and letting my head dropped, I was out of breath again. Just thinking about the whole thing made me scared and frightened and that just… pissed me off. It was so silent in my apartment without another person here, without Elliot here. So silent that I heard the familiar chime telling me I had an e-mail from the bedroom. Throwing the sponge I had been using to clean my counter that already shimmered; I sat in the chair and opened my e-mail. Seeing it was from Elliot, I gasped. I gasped, out loud and into the open. Pushing read as fast as my hand glided to the button, I was let down after reading the e-mail. Hoping it was someone personal, or more personal than a two worded question, I was not at all eager to respond. But, I did anyways, knowing well enough that it could be my only contact with him today.

To: Elliot

From: Olivia

Subject: None

I wouldn't say mad. I'm not mad; you just seemed disconnected last night.

It left me uneasy, like you were done of trying.

Feeling confident about my reply I went into the living room, laptop in hand, and sat on the couch. Looking down every five seconds to see if I received a new e-mail, I concluded this was going to be a long day ahead of me filled with a lot of waiting.

To: Olivia

From: Elliot

Subject: None

Thought I was doing you a favor, letting you have some space.

I probably came off acting as if I wanted space, wanted to think about things. But, really I want to be with him in whatever means I can get.

To: Elliot

From: Olivia

Subject: None

I probably came off that way. I probably need space; it's probably what's for the best.

Doesn't mean I want it.

To: Olivia

From: Elliot

Subject: None

What does that mean, Olivia? I still think it's a good idea, you really did seem like you wanted a breather the past few hours.

I'm not going to push myself on you or my feelings.

To: Elliot

From: Olivia

Subject: None

I miss you.

Pathetic huh?

I am being vulnerable and stupid. And all I want is for him to be here to tell me the opposite.

To: Olivia

From: Elliot

Subject: None

Not pathetic, Liv. I miss you, too.

Not thinking of a good enough reply and wanting to leave the conversation on a good note, I closed the lid on my laptop and set it on the table. Turning on the television and wrapping up in my blanket, I watched a movie marathon until I feel asleep. Waking up hours later, I realized I had screwed myself out of a good night's sleep. Looking at the clock, I realized it was a little past six. Falling back onto the cushions, I find myself staring at the ceiling, with nothing else to do. Completely out of things to do five minutes after I woke up, I reached for my cell and computer. Opening the lid on my computer, I had three missed e-mails.

To: Olivia

From: Elliot

Subject: None

You know that, right Liv? That I miss you?

His words made me smile but think at the same time. If he knew he would miss me so much, like he says he is, why wouldn't he just stay here? Stay with me? Not wanting to think much about it, I opened the second e-mail.

To: Olivia

From: Elliot

Subject: None

Liv? Is something wrong? You're not responding…

To: Olivia

From: Elliot

Subject: None

You're worrying me, Olivia. That's not very nice of you.

I do miss you, I do, and of course I do. But, I really thought you needed this time, I thought it would be good so you could figure out just what you want, no matter what it was. Was I wrong?

Picking up my cell to call him because I could tell he was going crazy, as I am. I glanced back down at the time the e-mail was sent, 3:47. Oh no, he was not going to be happy. Opening my phone, I had missed texts, too. Not good, I thought, not good at all. Reading the first it was time stamped ten minutes after the last e-mail was written. Olivia? Was I wrong? Tell me I was and I'll be over there, right now. The last one was a little more frantic. I guess I have really upset you, I'm sorry. Call when you wanna talk?

Usually him being controlling and alpha male would piss me off to no end, I would yell at him and in the end tell him to go home to his wife. I don't know why I always told him that, but now that he isn't with her I never know how to end that conversation, so it doesn't end. It just lingers between us for days. But, with a whole new outlook on things, different emotions are bubbling to the surface after reading the e-mails and texts. I'm glad he was so worried. I mean I wasn't glad that he was worried, just glad he still thought enough of me to worry.

Typing a text back, "I was sleeping, El. I'm sorry, and yeah, you were so wrong." Looking down at it, I deleted it and called him instead.

Picking up almost instantly, he sounded out of breathe. "Hello? Liv?"

"I was sleeping, El. I… um… sorry." I said.

"No, no, I, um, just I'm glad you aren't mad."

"Come over? We need to have a talk, Elliot." I needed to tell him everything that was rushing through my mind, it was going to be the only way that we were going to stomp ahead of this mess.

"You sure, Liv?"

"I'm absolutely sure." "I'll be there in twenty, Liv."

Hanging up the phone, the feeling of nervousness returned, the feeling of uneasiness. But, it was much stronger, more determined.

Maybe I was such a wreck because in a matter of mere minutes, I was going to have a first.

It was going to be the first time I let my walls completely down.

It was going to be the first time I let Elliot know what I was feeling, my true inhibited feelings.


End file.
